Love

If prizes were given for the most published American western novelist Louis L'Amour would certainly win. I'm not sure how many books he has written about the wild, wild west but the last count I heard was about ninety, maybe more. Yet L'Amour's first book was not a western, it was a small collection of poetry. Smoke from this Altar is a revealing collection of poems about an egocentric young man restless for adventure. The poems express an intense desire to wander, especially across the seas. He seems to always be looking for something undefined. Of the many poems that are of special interest to me, one called simply "Life" is only four lines long.

I dream, and my dreams are all broken;
I love, and my loving is vain ...
I speak, and the words are all spoken,
I look and see nothing but pain.

ITo me this is a depressing poem about love lost, and life unlikely to be lived. It would be interesting to know when the poem was written and what was happening in L'Amour's life at the time. There is a certain finality about the poem, a feeling that a meaningful relationship is just beyond his reach and there doesn't seem to be anything he can do about it. It is a very pessimistic piece, although some would say to me, "Get real, this is the way things are."

I think L'Amour's poems reveal a basic conflict deep in his soul. He genuinely wants love and feels incomplete without it. He wants to relate with another person, in his case a woman but he cannot get below a superficial level. He cannot commit to a woman; her love seems to be too confining. It is as though love would mean a ball and chain around his feet and he would be miserable instead of fulfilled. In another moving poem "To Cleone: In Budapest" L'Amour writes,

You were so sure your warmth and love would hold ... .

You did not guess the curse of common things,
Or that the bonds of love would ever chafe ... .

And then one night when stars were soft and clear,
Like harbor lights in some strange port of call--
I dropped my off-shore lines and harbor gear,
And sailed away to sea and left it all.

L'Amour's dilemma about women is indicative of our dilemma with God. We really want God in our lives and yet, at the same time, think that God's love will hinder our growth, blunt our experiences, be a ball and chain instead of freedom. So instead of committing to a relationship with God, that has the potential of fulfilling our lives, we drop our off-shore lines and harbor gear, and sail away and leave it all. The fear of God's love is a terrible thing.

Jerry Mercer